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Post by pauliamorous on Sept 5, 2014 1:38:49 GMT
Hello you there, person who is reading this.
I have a query for you; what separates 'friend' from 'lover'? For example, what about a boyfriend makes that person different from a friend who is also a boy? What specific things make a person a lover and not just a friend? What kinds of things can you do with a lover and not a friend? or vice versa.
It's impossible to give a sweeping answer to this question that applies to everyone who has ever considered someone their friend or lover. So rather than speculating about society's answer to this question, I'm much more interested in what the answer is to you. How do you see and build the distinction in your life? What is your experience? I, and anyone else reading this thread wants to know your truth on this subject.
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Post by polymike on Sept 5, 2014 2:33:41 GMT
What a great question! I have often debated this myself both internally and with my partners. To me the distinction lies in the type of affection that is present. Its difficult to describe because I would use the word love for both situations but the love that I feel is definitely different.
I know many people who say the difference is sex, and that one is the love that comes with sex, but that's not the case for me. Not wanting sex is a part of it I guess (for me), but that to me just seems to be coincidental. I think a defining factor is really the reciprocation and intention of the other party. So for me, someone is a friend when I desire and care for them in a romantic way and I know that they have and intend to cultivate similar feelings. Without their intention to cultivate their romantic feelings towards me it would seem...imprudent to call them my lover. And I think obviously these need to be known by both/all parties involved.
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Post by Dani on Sept 5, 2014 2:56:17 GMT
Great question!
Took me a while to gather my thoughts but, this is what I came to:
Friendship (I.E Personal Relationships) can be an umbrella term for many different types of relationships a person or group of people can have. One can have a platonic (philia), intimate (eros) and everything in-between (acquaintance, ect).
What creates differences, to me, is the level of mutual caring/understanding, intimacy, and commonality.
So, practically - what's the difference between a friend that is a boy/girl and boyfriend/girlfriend is the amount of mutual caring/understanding, level of intimacy (sexually or emotionally) and the amount of commonality we have (do we like the same things? is it easy for us to spend time together?).
For me, someone who doesn't have a 'high' amount of these attributes are more likely to be an acquaintance. Someone who has a mid-range of these attributes is most likely going to be a friend (platonic or sexual/emotional). Someone who has a 'high' amount of these attributes would more likely be a lover/partner.
I'd love to know everyone else opinion! Questions like this are really hard to put into words, but I think it's really helpful to do so.
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esarosa
New Member
Really excited to make new friends in the poly community :)
Posts: 16
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Post by esarosa on Sept 5, 2014 6:35:03 GMT
Woo, talk about throwing the dog a bone! <3 Something to actually think on, thank you.
For me... the difference between a lover and a friend (for me in any gender) is intent and communication of that intent. A friend is someone I do not discuss possible inter-person romantic interactions with, because it makes me uncomfortable as sex is a rather intimate thing to me. At one point, that was a very thin blurry line, but as I've gotten older I'm a little (a lot) pickier. I also tend to be a lot more guarded with friends over lovers as I have enough emotional scars, you've got to be pretty deeply embedded in my heart to find out.
With my lovers, I will walk around my house naked or topless because I am more comfortable. With my lovers, I can talk full blown TMI's whereas I don't do that to friends because I've been burned by more "friends" than I care to count by giving them certain personal information. With my lovers, I am very physically affectionate; little kisses, hugs, hand holding (in public to whatever degree they are comfortable with and the situation allows). With my lovers, I am a lot more protective and tend to worry more if I'm afraid they're about to make terrible decisions (I still let them make those decisions, but I make sure they're aware of my concerns in a polite calm manner), by comparison I'll just groan inwardly when my friend Abby says she's going to go out with this hot guy she's been sexting for weeks but she has no intention of sleeping with him and that way I can't say I told you so when she calls me saying he was a jerk and all he wanted was to screw.
Things I can do with friends that I really can't do with lovers, that's a much shorter list than the other way around, because first and foremost, my lovers were friends first. I can vent about the lovers to a very much trusted and private friend because I do not feel comfortable complaining about any lover to another for fear of making one think less of an another or showing favoritism. I can dork about some of my fandoms with friends more than lovers because neither of my lovers are hardcore comic book fans. So there's something else lol.
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